Ninety-Nine Steps for Bert

Inside a green hill there was a castle, and in the castle lived Queen Badger. She was round, she could not see very far, and she wore her crown slightly over one ear.

In the middle of the castle, a tower went up and up and out through the top of the hill. At the top was the great lantern. It was lit once a year, on Lantern Night. When it shone, the whole valley could see the hill glow gold.

At the bottom of the tower lived Bert the tortoise.

Bert was very slow. He was also never late, because he always started at breakfast.

This year, Bert wanted to be at the very top when the great lantern was lit. But the tower had ninety-nine steps. Bert climbed one step in the time it took anybody else to climb ten.

So Bert made a list. It said: Breakfast. Climb. Ten o’clock, Goose. Twelve o’clock, soup pot. Climb. Lantern! And at the very bottom, in small writing, it said: Get down again. Think about this later.

On the morning of Lantern Night, Bert ate his breakfast and packed his lunch. It was one big strawberry, cut into ninety-nine slices, one for every step. There was also one spare slice, just in case.

Bert put his front foot on the first step. He pulled. He heaved. He got there. He ate a slice.

“One step, one slice,” counted Bert.

Then he did it again on the second step, and the third, all morning long. When he reached the ninth step, it was ten o’clock. Bert sat down and waited.

Slap, slap, slap came Goose up the stairs. Goose was the castle’s laundry goose. She was extremely loud and very kind. On her back was a big basket of clean washing, still warm.

“HONK!” said Goose. “Bert! What are you doing on the stairs?”

“Waiting for you,” said Bert.

Goose lifted him into the basket with her beak. “HONK! Mind the socks!” she said.

Goose went up the stairs very fast. So Bert ate very fast.

“One step, one slice, one step, one slice, one step, one slice,” counted Bert.

At the first floor, Goose honked like a bell. She honked at every floor.

“HONK! First floor!”

“Goose, dear,” said Queen Badger, from somewhere down the hall. “Not so loud.”

“HONK! Sorry!” said Goose.

Every Lantern Night at twelve o’clock, the big empty soup pot went up the tower on a rope. The soup went up later, in a jug.

At twelve o’clock, Bert was sitting in it.

“Going up?” said Goose.

“Yes, please,” said Bert.

Squeak, squeak went the rope, and up went the pot with Bert inside. All around him the steps went round and round the tower wall, and Bert counted every one.

“One step, one slice,” counted Bert.

Goose pulled and pulled, and every time the pot went past a floor, she honked.

“HONK! Second floor!” said Goose.

“HONK! Third floor!”

“Goose, dear,” said Queen Badger. “Please.”

“HONK! Sorry!”

The pot stopped just below the top. There were nine steps left, so Bert climbed them himself. It took all afternoon. Bert did not mind. He had planned for that.

“One step, one slice,” counted Bert. “One step, one slice.”

On the ninety-ninth step he ate the ninety-ninth slice. He was at the very top of the tower, and nobody else was there at all.

* * *

When the sun went down, everyone came puffing up the stairs. There were rabbits and mice, and Goose with the jug of soup, and last of all Queen Badger, very round and very out of breath.

She peered at the lump on the warm stones. “Is that Bert?” she said. “Bert, you’re here first!”

“I started at breakfast,” said Bert.

Queen Badger struck the lantern match. It was a very long match, as long as a broom. She could not quite see the wick. The little flame wobbled to the left. It wobbled to the right. Her crown slid further over her ear.

“Bother,” said Queen Badger. “Where has that wick got to?”

“May I help?” said Bert.

Queen Badger gave him the end of the long match. Bert held it in his mouth and stretched out his long neck, very slowly. Bert was very good at slowly. He held the match as still as a stone, and he touched the little flame to the wick.

The great lantern blazed gold over the hill. All down the valley, in the farms and the burrows and the boats on the river, everyone looked up and said, “Look! Lantern Night!”

“Well done, Bert,” said Queen Badger.

Bert opened his lunch. There was one slice of strawberry left. The spare.

“This one is for you,” said Bert.

Queen Badger ate it in one bite. “That is the best slice of strawberry I have ever had,” she said. “Thank you, Bert.”

Then everyone had soup, and Bert ticked Lantern! on his list. Only one thing was left. Bert looked at all the steps going down and down. He was very full and very tired. He tucked his head into his shell, and he fell asleep right there on the warm stones.

Goose found him. She lifted him gently into her basket, among the pillowcases, and carried him all the way down.

At the third floor, she did not honk. At the second floor, she did not honk. At the first floor, she opened her beak, and then she closed it again.

At the bottom, Goose tucked Bert into bed with a clean pillowcase, still warm from the basket.

“Goodnight, Bert,” said Goose, as quietly as a goose can.

So every single thing on Bert’s list was done, even the last one.

High above the green hill, the great lantern shone gold all night long. And at the bottom of the tower, the slowest tortoise in the castle, who got to the top first of all, slept snug in his shell until breakfast.